The Fastest Song In Eternity

The Speed Test, Thoroughly Modern Millie.
In the music, the note for the very last bit is "as fast as humanly possible." I'll make a note of it when it comes. You all need to look it up. The entire Millie soundtrack, in fact. DO IT.

MR. GRAYDON:
Take a letter. To a Mr. John Hudson, Hudson's Floor Wax. You will find an invoice in the file for the address. "Dear Mr. Hudson," colon:

My eyes are fully open to my awful situation
So I'm writing you a letter to demand an explanation
When the floor wax that we bought from you
Arrived here Monday morning
We discovered upon usage that the fume
Should have a warning
Since the only possibility is that the wax is rancid
I request a full refund of all the money we advanced
And unless you can convince me
You've improved the floor wax batter
We will take our business elsewhere
So I hope you solve this matter

How's my speed, Miss Dillmount?

MILLIE:
A little slow, perhaps.

MR. GRAYDON:
Ah!
Enclosed you'll find a small container
Of the stuff I talk about
Just carefully remove the lid
And take a whiff if you've a doubt
I'm sure you wouldn't want me
To alert the daily papers
With the news of how our office
Was affected by your vapours
Which is why I choose to write to you
A confidential letter
Full of strong recommendation
That you make your floor wax better
I just hope it won't require us
To have our floor relaid and
If it does you may expect a bill
Sincerely, Trevor Graydon

Now, read that back to me please.

MILLIE:
Certainly. "Dear Mr. Hudson," colon:
My eyes are fully open to my awful situation
So I'm writing you a letter to demand an explanation
When the floor wax that we bought from you
Arrived here Monday morning
We discovered upon usage that the fume
Should have a warning
Since the only possibility is that the wax is rancid
I request a full refund of all the money we advanced

MR. GRAYDON:
Nice!

MILLIE:
And unless you can convince me
You've improved the floor wax batter
We will take our business elsewhere
So I hope you solve this matter

MR. GRAYDON:
Not half bad. Continue please.

MILLIE:
Enclosed you'll find a small container
Of the stuff I talk about
Just carefully remove the lid
And take a whiff if you've a doubt
I'm sure you wouldn't want me
To alert the daily papers
With the news of how our office
Was affected by your vapours
Which is why I choose to write to you
A confidential letter
Full of strong recommendation
That you make your floor wax better
I just hope it won't require us
To have our floor relaid and
If it does you may expect a bill
Sincerely, Trevor Graydon

MR. GRAYDON:
Miss Dillmount, may I speak frankly?

MILLIE:
Yes?

MR. GRAYDON:
If I could be so lucky
As to have a good stenographer
To keep this place as up-to-date
As her short skirt and bobbed coiffure
I wouldn't have to worry 'bout
Our soured office planking
And could concentrate on generating
Profits ripe for banking
That is why I'm testing you
With this outrageous correspondence
Which I don't intend to actually mail
To the respondents
So if you can make sense of my unintelligble patter
Then the job is yours and Hudson's Floor Wax doesn't matter

MILLIE:
Hudson's Floor Wax doesn't matter?
Matter, matter, matter, matter
Hudson's Floor Wax doesn't matter?
Matter, matter, matter, matter

MR. GRAYDON (at the same time):
Hudson's Floor Wax doesn't matter!
Matter, matter, matter, matter
Hudson's Floor Wax doesn't matter!


OFFICE WORKERS (at the same time):
Hudson's Floor Wax doesn't matter!
Matter, matter, matter, matter

MR. GRAYDON:
Now, I want that letter on my desk in two minutes flat. Man your machine! Go!

(Millie's rapid fire typing/tapping dazzles the office workers. She presents the finished letter to Mr. Graydon.)

Time! "Dear Mr. Hudson,"

MILLIE AND OFFICE WORKERS:
Colon.

MR. GRAYDON:
My eyes are fully open to my awful situation
So I'm writing you a letter to demand an explanation
When the floor wax that we bought from you
Arrived here Monday morning
We discovered upon usage that the fume
Should have a warning
Since the only possibility is that the wax is rancid
I request a full refund of all the money we advanced
And unless you can convince me
You've improved the floor wax batter
We will take our business elsewhere
So I hope you solve this matter

MILLIE AND OFFICE WORKERS:
So I hope you solve this matter
So I hope you solve this matter
So I hope you solve this matter
Matter, matter, matter, matter

MR. GRAYDON:
Going on.
*does this as fast as humanely possible, which is quite flippin fast*
Enclosed you'll find a small container
Of the stuff I talk about
Just carefully remove the lid
And take a whiff if you've a doubt
I'm sure you wouldn't want me
To alert the daily papers
With the news of how our office
Was affected by your vapours
Which is why I choose to write to you
A confidential letter
Full of strong recommendation
That you make your floor wax better
I just hope it won't require us
To have our floor relaid and
If it does you may expect a bill
Sincerely, Trevor Graydon

You have made the team Miss Dillmount!

OFFICE WORKERS:
You have made the team Miss Dillmount!

MILLIE:
Tell me where my desk is
When we eat lunch
How much I'll be paid, and
Nice to meet you, I know we'll be friends
Just call me Millie Graydon

MR. GRAYDON and OFFICE WORKERS:
Millie Graydon?

MILLIE:
I mean Dillmount!

MR. GRAYDON and OFFICE WORKERS:
Millie Dillmount?

MILLIE:
Someday Graydon!

MR. GRAYDON and OFFICE WORKERS:
Graydon? Dillmount? Dillmount?
Graydon? Graydon? Dillmount?

MILLIE:
Graydon!

ALL:
Ahhhhhhh!

Best. Broadway. Female. Song. Ever.

Put it with music and it's officially the best song ever.
Forget about the boy, Thoroughly Modern Millie.

No canary in a tree for me
This canary's ready to fly free

Cut the cord
Is that a man I once adored?
He's nothing but an albatross
No great loss
Double crosser
Forget about the boy
Pull the plug
Ain't he the one who pulled the rug
He's lower than an alley cat
Dirty rat
And I flatter
Forget about the boy
Forget about the boy
Forget about the boy

And in the moonlight
Don't you think about him
Sister, you're much better off without him
You can blow the blues a kiss goodbye
And put the sun back in the sky
For when he comes crawlin'
I'm not fallin'

Shout hooray and hallelu!
Now me and mister wrong are through
I'll find myself another beau
Who I know is no rover
Forget about the boy
Forget about the boy
Forget about -

Jimmy, oh Jimmy, Jimmy

Horace

Danny

Milton

Percy

Edgar

Timothy

Alfred

Vito Carbone

Benjamin Pratt, the third

Teddy Morgan

Barney Schreiber, C.P.A. *BEST LINE EVER!!!!!!!!!*

Jimmy, oh Jimmy, silly boy
Gee, what a real swell guy

Cut the cord, is that a man I once adored?
He's nothing but an albatross
No great loss, doublecrosser

Forget about the boy

Jimmy, oh Jimmy, what great joy
He makes my troubles fly

Pull the plug, ain't he the one who pulled the rug?
He's lower than an alley cat, dirty rat
And I flatter

Forget about the boy
Forget about the boy
Forget about the boy!

Shout hooray and hallelu!
Now that me and mister wrong are through
I'll find myself another beau
Who I know is no rover
Forget about the boy
Forget about the boy
Forget about the boy

And in the moonlight don't you think about him
Sister you're much better off without him
You can blow the blues a kiss goodbye
And put the sun back in the sky

For when he comes crawlin'

I'm not fallin'

Hallelujah!
Forget about the boy
Forget about the boy
Forget about the boy!

HUZZAH!