GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!! I really feel like a piece of s***t right now. I really need to take control of my life because my mom is currently dominating the entire scene. Really. I mean, most kid's parents would be okay with them being like, "hey, can I do this camp instead of that camp?" or something. Well, my mom's not THAT intimidating, but she still can be scary.
My mom is seriously domineering, though, when she wants to be. I've pretty much been doing what she wants because I'm kind of sort of scared of her. She's intimidating. Really intimidating. And because of that, since the age of about seven I've never really wanted to stand up to her for fear of intimidation from her and disappointment on both sides. I feel like I need to take control of something, but I've never had the guts to even raise my hand in class until I was sure of the answer, and by then someone else was sure of the answer and had risen their hand because that's what other people do.
I don't want other people to control my life. But I'm scared of being in control because I'm sure I'll mess up on something. The only thing I seem to be able to control with minimal mistakes is knitting, and that's only because I don't trust myself to do interesting stitches. That's why I'm SO freaked out about this thing I'm knitting for my cousin's wedding. I'm so scared I'm going to seriously mess up on something and then not figure out what went wrong until I've done another thirty two rows. I'm SO LAME!!!!!
I don't really know why I can't seem to trust myself. I'm a dreamer, but nothing more. Seriously. I can only dream of stuff I wish I could do and never seem to take initiative for doing it. That's probably because of the fact that I'm really intimidated by everyone else. I don't know why I'm suddenly so insecure about it, either. Sheesh. I'm more lame than I thought, and that's saying something.
I have to go eat lunch now.
But I don't want to.
So I'm not going to.
But seriously. My mom takes a lot of safety measures to which I can see the point some of the time. But not all of the time. I used to be so scared of doing anything that she wouldn't like that I wasn't able to stick up for myself. So I sort of did some stuff behind her back. Like this. She didn't know about this until I told her, which was after I set the blog up. And I cuss sometimes at school. I used to be so freaked out about it, but now it's not such a big deal. All my friends do it. The only cuss word that I haven't said is the "f" word. Besides, sometimes cussing makes the situation a whole lot funnier. Which is most of the reason why my friends cuss a lot. Because our TA's quote book wouldn't be so full of funny quotes if half the people hadn't used the word "shit" in the sentence. I have only cussed in front of my mother once. It was at a church retreat, and we were both in the room we were supposed to be in, and I said "dammit" because I forgot my toothbrush.
Well, that's all I have time for. Because I'm hungry. And mom's being domineering again. :(.
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